Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Reflections.

A new year has begun, and thus we begin a new semester of ministry in Florence.
A year ago, the Lord was working in my heart, chipping away at the walls I had put up...slowly preparing me for the time that He would ask me to come to Italy. This time last year I had no idea that a year later I would be sitting in my living room in Florence, Italy spending a day preparing my heart and mind to dive into ministry for another semester.

After I spent the summer of 2007 in Florence with Campus Crusade I knew I wanted to come back and do ministry here for a longer period of time - but I wouldn't let myself consider it as a real option. Raising financial support to come for the summer had been very difficult and had resulted in a lot of hurt between myself and God. Coming back to Italy for a year was simply too big and I couldn't do it. But while I was fighting to keep the desire to go back to Italy hidden away deep inside of me, God had a different plan. He was working on me - even when I had no idea.
I researched many different mission organizations, looking for options to serve the Lord that didn't require raising money. But nothing seemed right...I felt no real leading from the Lord in any direction. At the start of 2008 I started getting anxious about what I was "going to do with my life." I was graduating in a few months and needed to have some sort of a plan. I knew God wanted to me in ministry...but I just didn't know how or where (well, I did...but I wasn't allowing myself to think about that option so I needed a new plan...).
The Crusade staff team from my university encouraged me to intern with them for a year. It would be a great option of something to do while I was trying to figure out what was next as well as a great environment for growth and training in ministry. I decided to at least apply, in case I decided it was what I wanted to do.
By April, I still hadn't made a solid decision and the training weekend for all new interns with Crusade was just weeks away. I had to figure out what I was supposed to do. So I started praying - really praying and seeking the Lord about this decision.
Over the next few weeks God met me where I was - in the midst of all of my fear and brokenness and hurt. When raising support for my summer missions trip had not turned out the way I thought it would it had broken my trust with God, and I had held onto that hurt and carried it for months, not allowing myself to really trust the Lord for anything. But, as I said, He had been working in my heart when I wasn't even aware of it...and now He started to bring everything out.
In one weekend I realized the lies I had been believing - that God had let me down and that I couldn't trust Him - and I saw the truth of his sovereignty and power. He healed that place in my heart and connected it back to Him. Then He brought up the thing I had been trying to hide for so long: My desire to go back to Italy. I knew it was what I wanted, and I started to think about it again. But what I really needed to know is if it was what God wanted. The confirmation I received over the next few weeks was unbelievable. God was asking me to go to Italy - and even more importantly, asking me to trust Him enough to take a big step of faith and believe that He would raise all of the money I needed to get me there...in 3 months.
It was a wild summer - a lot of which I wrote about on this blog. A lot of the time it didn't look like I was going to make it - I never met any of the financial deadlines that I was supposed to even though I was working hard at raising support. But every time that I wanted to give up, God was there asking me to trust Him. Asking me how far I was willing to trust Him. And so I kept choosing faith. It wasn't easy, and it definitely wasn't in my own strength…But I knew I was supposed to be in Italy so I kept trying.
A week before our departure date I still did not have all of the money I needed in order to go. I got a call telling me that due to an urgent situation with the housing and the fact that I was still 25% away from my financial goal, I would not be able to go to Italy. I was heartbroken. I had poured everything into this for the last several months…I had trusted the Lord to make it happen…I couldn’t understand why God had brought me this far only to not let me go.
It was a Friday evening, and so I asked if there was any way I could have until the end of the weekend to keep trying. I was told that if I could be at 100% by 5:00 on Sunday I could still go – but otherwise Italy was out.
After a lot of crying and praying and a pretty sleepless night I knew that the Lord was asking me the same thing He had been asking me all summer “How far will you trust me?” I needed to trust Him until the end.
Even though it seemed absolutely impossible for that much money to come in in less than 2 days, I had to keep trying. So with a lot of help and support from my family we started making calls. We called all of our friends who we knew would pray with us and ask God for this miracle. Then we started calling people who had been interested in supporting me but had never made decisions.
After a few hours thousands of dollars had come in and it kept coming…all day, into the night, and through the next day. I was completely astounded and amazed. God was doing a miracle in my life, right in front of me! People who I had never met and never asked were giving money. People who had already given were giving more. I was getting e-mails, text messages, and phone calls from friends telling me they were praying, telling their friends, and even pledging to support me.
At 5:00 on Sunday I was not at 100%, but I was amazingly close. My STINT coordinator called to see what had happened over the weekend. She couldn’t believe what the Lord had done. I stood on my front porch jumping up and down with tears streaming down my face as she told me I was going to Italy!! I was so excited! But even more, I was unbelievably amazed at the faithfulness of the Lord. He had asked me to trust Him…and He had showed himself faithful all the way to the end.
It was a hectic week preparing to leave the country for a year, but as I stepped onto the plane I knew I was exactly where the Lord wanted me and I knew if He was big enough to get me on that plane, He was big enough to change the hearts of Italians with the gospel.

So here I am in Italy just a few months later, and even though my time here has not always been easy, it has been so sweet to know 100% that I am where the Lord wants me and that even if it doesn’t always seem obvious to me He has a plan for me this year. He is faithful; He is able.

1 comment:

Kat said...

such a great story :)

keep up the good work! :)