living life

somewhere in my head i have always thought that as i got older, i would get better.
better in the sense that i would have things more together - be more organized, not procrastinate as much, use my time better, get more sleep, excersize more, sin less...
i am realizing that this is not true.
the more time that passes, the more i see what a mess i am.
i do not have it all together. not even close.
being in italy this year has put me in place where the band-aid that i have covered myself with so well for so long has finally been ripped off and my complete brokenness exposed.
it has been hard. it is hard. but at the same time it is so beautiful.
seeing what is probably just a glimps of how broken and messed up and not at all perfect i am has allowed me to really see and experience the beauty of Christ in my life. the message of his death on the cross for my salvation is so much more affecting when i see how desperately in need of his grace i am.
i am not perfect. and i don't have to be.
i am in need of God's grace every day.
as i realize that more, i love Him more.
as i love him more, i want to know him more.
as i know him more, he changes my heart and makes me more like him.
he is working on this mess that i am, and one day [in eternity] i will be made perfect as he is perfect.
but for now i will rejoice as my father is glorified through my brokenness.
his grace, mercy, and love showing through my cracks far outshines any tarnished image of perfection i could display.